Tiny Minnie Martini

Wouldn't you know it? Just then it began to rain.

Aquarius tipped back his head and saw the distant city sky-line wink seductively at him. He dashed into the puddled and pot-holed road, as Chryslers with dimmed windows concelaing feathered women laughing at three-piece-suited men. Somewhere a jazz band struck up and a blue moon peeped from behind the rain clouds......

The world was turning a playful shade of pastel inside the night clubs in town. The walls of the rooms swayed in time with the sexy cymbal and amongst the powderpuff mink coats and cigarette smoke, Aquarius waded into Tiny Minnie Martini's joint Casablanca Blueson the corner of a street that ran straight through the door that led to the MGM studio's mens toilet. But conveniently ignore that, if you will.


"Why hello stranger, you finally made it!" laughed Tiny Minnie whose hair was almost as tall and she was short, all twinkled and cutesy done up in diamonds that sparkled like World Fair.


"This popsicle stand is swinging, baby! Here - " she grabbed a finger-naily cluster of drinks from a tray and threw a few down her throat as she thrust one at Aquarius -"you look like you need this, champ."


Eneter Louis Mallone, the baby-face kid from the wrong side of the ttacks. Always the quiet observer, Aquarius saw Mallone's searching eyes land on Minnie with a

as though there wasn't another soul in the jumping joint. Mallone made a beeline for the beehive, while Aquarius stood sipping his drink and Minnie screeched senseless giggles into her patrons ear "Oh you are the end, darling, the living end!"

LOUIS: Well, hey-llo, dawllface.

TINY: (ACTING NONCHALENT) Oh it's you.

LOUIS: Yeah, so, ahhh... loowng time no see.

TINY: (COLDLY) I guess that happens when you die. People quit talkin' 'bout you so much.

LOUIS: I can explain, Minnie, come on. D'boss, you know, Big Tony...

TINY: Sure I know all about Big Tony and his big mouth.

LOUIS: Well he thawt it best, y'know, if I ahh, disappearded for a whi-yel.

TINY: You do everything Big Tony suggests?

LOUIS: I wanted to tell ya.

TINY: Ohh sure... but you forgot?

LOUIS: Awwwnest, dawll. Aw, please baby don't do this punishing routine. I'm sawry, c'mon... Hey, you're not going wit dis punk are ya?

Aquarius spilt his drink, aghast.

"Well maybe I am." And with that, Tiny Minnie grabbed Aquarius' arm and dragged him up on stage where her twelve piece band were making music that seemed to shiver and roll off the edge and out to the dancing crowd like electrical currents.

Tiny Minnie pulled Aquarius upt to her child-like body and on the very toe of her heel whispered, "I'm real sorry 'bout that heavy scene back there, he's an old boyfriend, you dig?" Aquarius nodded.

Then the music softened, a microphone materialised, a spotlight fell in a white cirlce around Minnie and she began to croon....

"Hey you're real sweet, you know honey, what's your name. Oh, nevermind, names they're only going to be forgotten. You kinda look like a movie-star...whatssisname? I bet you're a real Cassanova, huh? Betcha got broads mobbing you all over the city. You blushin', cutie? Hey I got a crazy idea! Let's blow this bedtime story and go to my pad, you in?"

Aqaurius really had no clue what was being suggested by this false eyelashed sweetie-pie but she had a way with her hips that just made it impossible for him to stop holding her, or to deny her anything...

Crazy!

Manhatten at Midnight and your heart is on fire. The skirts are gettin' higher and the sound is like a choir, baby!

They skipped down the sidewalk and through the swinging doors of a dated foyer. The bellboy smirked as he looked up from his dirty magazine to watch Minnie slink by the desk to the stairs and Aquarius mutely follow behind.

"I just wish things were a little brighter around here." She sighed as she switched on the light.

Black ran into charcole ran into grey ran into offwhite into snow which she spooned into her nose and sucked into her already bubbly head.

"Hey baby would you help me with this zip? It's got me going outta my mind!"

Aquarius fumbled with the long zipper of her oh-so-tight dress and she swivelled out of it, the shadows of her shutters casting zebra stripes onto her white slip. He stared through the shadows and she nervously laughed,

"Ain't your mama ever told you it's rude to stare?"

Forgive me. He whispered, still bug-eyed.

"Ok." She was caught in a momentum, this Minnie, a routine so familiar and yet so aware, that this time, with this man, something was terribly different... but, didn't she know better than to let him under her skin?

Suddenly a flash of gleaming white and Aquarius noticed the ring on her finger catch the streetlamp glow in the inky apartment.

Is that?

"A wedding ring? Some rock, huh... Ahhh, I was such a silly silly gal. But pretty, pal, you better believe it. Any seventeen year old is gonna think it's all smooth sailing after she has ice like this on her finger. I got an anklebiter and 'walked into the door' more times than I had excuses for, if you know what I mean."

(Aquarius didn't)

"Then its splitsville anyway. And you wonder all the time the fun you might be having... what are those girls from junior high doing now? Going on double dates to the drive-in? Perming their hair and drinking milkshakes? Falling in love? Here's Tiny Minnie Martini..."

Where? he suddenly wondered, I can hardly see her in this dim place.

"...Stupid little Tiny Minnie Martini with a hungry anklebiter, debts up to my ears, johns muscling in all the time and this giant, shiny reminder of how dumb I was, that pride won't let me hock."

You have a child?

"Sure, I'd have more if I hadn't found a good doctor."

But your nightclub is no place for a mother, Ms Martini.

"My nightclub? Oh no, baby, that place ain't mine. Well, not anymore. But I just can't leave it. In there I'm a star, daytime comes and I'm just another schmuck. Isn't that what you think?"

I think you're the saddest girl to ever hold a martini.

Aquarius might have stayed except a little boy no more than two, all sleepy eyed wandered out from the gloom into the noir and began gurgling something into his sobbing mothers ear.

"Where are they, Tommy? At the movies, are they hon? At someone's slumber party? But we don't care, do we sweetie? You love your mama?"

Aqaurius shut the door behind him.

Far Far Away

Stage directions; Aquarius enters on horse, catsle squires trumpet his entry to Far Far Away. Stagehands, gently move rolling green hills (cardboard props) to represent an ocean-like landscape.

Cue princesses

Rapunzel: Throws weight of gigantic plait over balcony.
Snow White: Bite apple and swoon.
Sleeping Beauty: Light snoring
Guinevere: Washing hair in a babbling brook.


Aquarius was dazzled by the beautiful lands of Far Far Away and bewilded by the great many nubile, young damsels of blue blood who appeared to all be needing his help.

Aquarius quite liked to be helpful, so he quickly found himself more than occupied rescuing fair ladies from dragons, spells and other trials. At every turn there was another foe, a jealous step-mother, a broken heel, a parking space too far away from the mega sale his darling hoped to attend.

He was trampled on helping his dates onto horses, he was scrutinised by regal parents…

„Aquarius, a rather strange name… Where exactly are your people from, did you say?“

The girls would swoon, wail, sob, sigh, sing birdsong, dabble in the dark arts but most of all, not that Aquarius knew this, they waited. They waited for him to reveal his devotion to them by announcing this was



and for the bells to ring out glories, for his „people“ to materialise with their great fortune and
for the joyous festivities to begin.

A Fairytale Wedding.

But poor Aquarius. He had no idea,

„What the devil do these princesses want??“ he wondered, puzzled by their elaborate stunts for attention, as he scaled up yet another tower wall.

Because our Aquarius is a romantic, no doubt, he would have quickly gone on bended knee for any one of these demanding M`Ladies even though he was not rovked to the core with passion for any one of them. All in all, he was merely exhausted, befuddled and a little jaded by the whole thing.

There were so many gallant knights and wandering princes - even toads were competing these days – trying for the hand of any of the many maidens. Aquarius couldn`t compete… in fact, he didn`t want to. And with that he left Far Far Away for the shadows of the bordering forest.

It seems, true love really does wait.



Find out what Princesses really want here.

Cupid

Red varnished wood formed the stone lion-guarded gateway to Chinatown






Sqaure-joweled and slant eyed, the amahs regarded him with a bemused smirk as he passed, ducking to miss the rudely jutting shopsigns that didn`t accomodate for his height. The babies slung in knotted cloth slings and nets around their carers backs and bulging tummies, wailed in a monotonous choir of discontent. Their older brothers and sisters, peering between knowing amah`s legs, giggling and whispering about the newcomer.

Aquarius didn`t pause to take it in. Following the low strung lanterns down the spinach and slush coated coablestones as a curling tendril of sesame oil played come hither with his nostrils and, in turn, his aching apetite.

The onlookers soon tired of watching him. Aquarius is not so novel here. Exotic sailors from everywhere flooded seaside towns like this one regularly,

Look out! There`s one now, bowling over trash cans as he stumbles drunk out the whorehouse door.

Watch… that`s Madame Chu of the Chu`s Me Massage Parlour, hurling that globulous gob of green spit in his face. He ought to get a shot, so potent are her bodily fluids. That`s why she manages these days and doesn`t work the shifts. Customers kept complaining in a list that would form the index of an exotic medical encyclopedia, for the range of ailments a night with Mme. Chu could get you.

But in her time, she was the coveted Dark Lotus… but enough daydreaming. Pass her that jar of ground powders from the herbalist and better get going quick, so fond she is of thrashing anyone in her way with that broomhandle by the archway. Ah yes, she runs a tight ship that Madame Chu.

Hurry up, Aquarius has almost found the opium den.

From almost under the ground, Cupid looked up from the mah jong table, twiddling his fingers rapidly to avert nerves and saw the well polished leather shoes of Aquarius. Through his beery haze he could tell that, though they were shiny, they were too expensive to belong to a cop.

In we go!

Aquarius entered the smoky cavern, a delicate girl in a cheongsam fussed over him, showing him to a chais lounge, pouring green tea and handing him a pipe. He watched the mah jong game from the shadows inhaling the pipe out of politeness. His cough and spluttering distracted Cupid,

„Will ya pipe down over there, buddy. These crooks are about to relieve me of my arrow if you don`t let me think straight.“

Aqaurius was alarmed but not enough to say much. Indeed had he tried to say anything, he would have failed miserably. Aquarius was stoned. Except it wasn`t quite like that.

In his dreamy stupor he saw visions of a lovely classic blonde but she wasn`t so much like that as this . No, no, she wasn`t like that at all, more like this … hmm... that`s not right either but nevermind. She doesn`t matter now.

Cupid pulled up a chair.

„Well, what is it? Let`s get it over with.“ The hot blow of alcohol-soaked breath was like smelling salts strong enough snap Aquarius right out of his platinum reverie.

He sat up on bent elbows and faced the putrid exhalations of Cupid.

„Hermes said you could help me find love.“

„Bah! Did he just. First he runs off with my mother now he fields me work. Typical Olympian.“ His pudgy, pink baby-hands gripped the opium pipe that lay across Aquarius`stomach, „Don`t mind if I do.“ He began thoughtfully puffing.

Aquarius regarded the bizarre sight of the five o`clock shadowed churubim stretch his angelic toes out and scratch his feathered wings.

„I see they didn`t get your arrow.“ He remarked.

„Yeah yeah, wise guy.,“ Cupid snarled, „think you`re funny. Well let me tell you somethink, this old thing here it`s broke.“

„Oh, so it doesn`t fly straight?“

„Of course it flies straight, I`m the damn best archer in the cosmos except for that hesistant pain in the ass, Sagittarius. It just don`t make folks fall in love anymore. It lost it`S, you know, magic or whatever.“

„Oh, so that`s what it`s for!“ Exclaimed Aqaurius.

„Was for. Look here, pretty boy, you`re faily stoopid, I can tell, so I`ll make things easy for you. Things don`t work out like they used to in the bad old days of Zeus. The world`s a different place now and you gotta get with the program. You want love you gotta take your business to the fairytale department. Far Far Away, buddy, that`s where all those damsels in distress and frog kissers are. That`s where the romance is, pal.“

Aqaurius jumped up almost knocking over the tea. „Far Far Away, you say. I suppose it`s fairly far off then.“

„Sheesh, buddy, will ya calm down. It`s just over hill and into the forest. Hooley dooley, aint you in a hurry.“

Aquarius grabbed his coat from the patient hostess and raced out to the door, sliding on his way out as he turned back to Cupid,

„Thanks very much, Cupid, sir.“

„Yeah yeah, forgeddabouttit kid.“ Cupid sighed as he blew out the last of the smoke. Then got up. „Well Liu, off to work for me, toots.“

And with that he flew up to his perch on the roof of Madame Chu`s to shoot arrows into the hearts of sailors all night. Ensuring a roaring trade for the establishment that strategically placed ist most expensive girls in plain view.

It seems, his magic did still work, for a price. A price the entrepreneurial Madame was willing to pay him, afterall, her business might be sex but love always helps.


Click here for the love song story

Hermès

Aquarius approached the bag with caution. Slouched as it was rather dejectedly on a stone, seemingly sulking.

"Excuse me," he enquired and the bag shuddered, startled.

"Inssstholence!" it lisped through the clicking gold clasp.

"Terribly sorry," Aquarius stepped closer, fascinated. He had never seen a talking handbag before, lest one that spluttered with such rage.

"Tha m'ethsst égal," he sighed, letting the folds of crocadile leather heave around him in defeat. "Zisth isth my dessttthhhhiny, mon fortune."

Aquarius ventured closer just as the bag began to quietly sob. "Oh," he breathed, unsure as to what to do. He looked about but there was so much commotion with the papparazzi he knew that he was alone to deal with this emotional french sack.

The sobbing climaxed into a watery crescendo, "She sayths I cry crocadile tears! But thiths isth not so. I love her, I love her, I love her," it howled, "but she can only love herself."

"Ahah!" Aqaurius exclaimed, "You are a fan? Of the star?"

"Imbétthhhile!" the bag spat and Aquarius jumped. The bag regarded him and conceded a "Pardon.... it is just, ohhhh, if only I was just a fan. Yet I am worse, I am but a handbag, her accessory, her plaything. A terrible role in life to play."

Aquarius frowned and looked over at the flashing camera bulbs and cries "Miss Venus, over here" " Give us a smile, Venus."

"Is it not nice to be the plaything of a beautiful woman?" he asked.

"Ye Gods, non! But what can I do, I worship at her pedestel. We are eternally bound. I had career athspirations myself, but now I just dabble. She ith the ttthhhsscelebrity."

"What is it you do?" Aquarius asked, conversationally. The bag spat out a business card.

"I`m in communications. Methssageths mainly and I have one for you. Pay no attention to my melancholy, this love is epic. But for you, mere mortal, take heed. Cupid, yethsss, it is Cupid that you need."

"Cupid." Aquarius sounded the name aloud.

"Oui, lènfant terrible of the Olympuths set. Monstre of a little thing, sans morals. Find him and he will teach you about love."

"Where is he?"

"Probably smoking opium somewhere in Chinatown, urghh, le brat. Now, excuthse moi." The bag heaved off the rock and slouchily waddled towards the crowd, that begrudingly parted way.

The radiant Venus was mounting her marble pillar to be raised into the clouds again, posing and flashing pearly whites to the maddened crowd of papparazzos. Hermès tried to get up with a leap, but fell short much to his goddeses irritation.

"Urgh, will you get up here, Hermès, you idiot!" she snapped, awkardly trying to catch his strap with her angelic toe, all the while maintaining a brilliant smile.

"Coming, mon amis!" it cried and hurled itself alongside her with delight to her seething irritation.

Click here to follow the love story of Venus and Hermès

Click here to follow the story of the Hermès Kelly Bag

Romeo

The low sun cast long shadows among the olive trees and our Aquarius rested his legs by a field.

Snacking on strawberries his droopy eyes fell upon the olive skin, sweat-beaded and glistening, of a young man working the field.

The peasant paused a moment and turned his chest to meet the last rays of the sun and his face, up-tilted, as he drank from his canteen.

Aquarius felt his breath fly from his lungs as the doe eyed object of his eye turned to meet his gaze.

"I feel queer." he thought to himself.

The young farmer`s pleasant face burst into a good natured smile.

"Good morrow, there. I didn`t see you!" he called and made his way to the shady patch Aquarius was resting. He flopped down by our antihero and thrust out a browned hand in greeting,

"Call me Romeo," he grinned.

Aquarius tried not to worry about his dampedned palms, "Aquarius."

"Aq-wary-ius," Romeo smiled, "Is that you? Shy, my friend?" He gave him a light punch on the shoulder and Aquarius forced a smile, though his heart was racing, his stomach fluttering and he felt cool goosepimples prickling his neck.

"No, no..." he stuttered, "not at all. I just feel."
"Dizzy?" finished Romeo.
"Yes," Aquarius looked up at Romeo, surprised. "Yes, I feel a bit..."
"Light headed, butterflies in your tummy?"
"Yes!" Aquarius began to relax. "How did you know?"

Romeo`s hand, his perfect tanned hand, brushed against Aquarius` "I don`t know. I feel the same."

The afternoon became a frolic.

As they lay by the cooling stream as it burbled over rocks and waved fine reeds, watching dragonflies mate in the dappled light, Aquarius wondered at his luck.

"That my search is already over!" he thought aloud.

Romeo who had been dazing looked up,
"What search?"

Aquarius blushed a little but then steeled hismelf sure his friend would understand,

"I was seeking love and here I am."

Romeo burst into hard, loud laughter. Aquarius turned crimson but was confused,

"You said you felt the same."

Romeo gave a short sigh and for a moment he looked down into the dandelions, ashamed. But then his glorious smile returned and he looked up through his long, fan-brush lashes at his friend.

"Aquarius, you have just begun on this journey. It would be a shame for you to stop now. What adventures await you!" he nodded as though encouraging the idea.

Aquarius felt cold and unwell, again, but this was different again.

"I must get back to a city not far from here where my family is expecting me to be a man and maybe marry soon. I come here for fun, sometimes, and fun we had!" he laughed as shadows darkened his face and he buttoned his cotton shirt.

Aqaurius watched Romeo, is sullen silence, as his friend gathered up a bundle of his things and began walking away.

"Fare thee well, Aq-wary-ius." his laughter faded as he did, into the sunset.

Follow Romeo`s love story.
The meeting
The story
The masterpiece
The history

Cast of Players

Aquarius - As Himself (understudy Hugh Grant)

Helen of the Library – Eve (understudy, Helen of Troy)

Hermes – Kelly bag (understudy, Birkin bag)

Venus – Aphrodite (understudy, Our Lady of Lourdes)

Romeo – Rudolph Valentino (understudy, Apollo)

Cupid - Danny De Vito

Princesses –
Paris Hilton, Gloria Upson, Princess Caroline, Tamara Ecclestone, Princess Maria Elizabeth of Sweden,

Bananas in Pyjamas – B1 and B2

White Witch – Mae West (understudy Lilith)

Queen of Hearts – Jane Austen (Barbara Cartland)

The Flower Children

Bonnie

Clyde

The Blues Singer

Tiny Minnie Martini – Roxy Hart

The Beginnings

Aquarius was born of a loveless marriage, conceived in a casual act of love.

When he came of age he became possessed with purpose; to find his true love, his perfect other half.

Here we will follow him through time and space on his quest to fall in love.